Epitafios

Nada ha cambiado, yo sigo siendo yo, mientras tú, aquí, allá y en cualquier parte del mundo, sigues siendo tú. Te reconozco por la forma de escribir, por los temas de los que siempre terminamos hablando, te reconocería si escuchara tu voz, y aún si ella hubiera cambiado un poco, reconocería como tuyas esas formas de subir y bajar de tono, de terminar afirmaciones en pregunta, en fin. Pero por si eso no fuera suficiente, reconozco tus facciones, y si pasara tiempo y se cayeran, si se llenaran de manchas y arrugas aún podría ver que eres tú en tus ojos. No sé cómo funciona, pero sé que tú también me reconocerías de una manera u otra. Y aunque parezca que nada ha cambiado, nada es exactamente igual. 

Freedom

The light through the blinds is dim, the air is still heavy and the car's wheels sound wet as they rush through the world outside. The rain always had a mystic meaning to us, although it also reminds me it's gone, and it should be buried with everything else that reminds me of you.

I'm exhausted, my eyes all swollen and still pink ish, my head still hurts. It finally came the time when I got physically tired of crying, with a sore throat from all the talking and the whimpering, and the yelling to the pillows. 

Outside, random music plays, people left and entered their apartments randomly, why, I could even hear the drop of a coin through these paper-thin, ancient walls. The humm of the fridge gets louder, along with the soft whirr of NAVI's single fan. There is no such thing as silence here, it annoys me, but it's a subtle distractor from my whirlwind of thoughts.

Just randomly browsing pictures on my Instagram, the need was so strong I just had to take a look, just a peek of our pictures. Eighty eight weeks, it read in an abreviation in the top corner. Has it been that little? We don't even look the same anymore... If it was, it seems the good times happened and ended ages ago. I really am tired. This ruthless war finally came to an end and though no one won, and I feel devastated, I'm finally relieved it's over. 

It can't be helped, I can't go back. Something snapped within me and I fell in love with my freedom. Me of all people! The one that loves her chains and holds them fastly when they will not imprisson her ankle! 

Suddenly dreams I didn't know were mine started sprouting, growing roots within my head, they felt bigger than me but not heavier, actually, they were weightless. Even my eyes saw colors brighter, and light filtered through like a summer's morning sun filtering through the bilnds, gently waking me up.

 

Pablo

"Para que nada nos separe, que nada nos una" leí en un feed de Facebook atribuido a Neruda, a través de mi celular mientras mi pancita detiene un teclado inalámbrico que me sirve para poner a Jenna Marbles en YouTube por la TV -¿Quién iba a decir que la famosa NAVI me iba a quedar corta?- y cayó sobre mi esa frase como un lunes.

La releí con melancolía por las personas de las que me he separado, pero no me he podido olvidar; en un lugar tan lejano ahora, tan desunidos, parece que nada nos pudiera separar más. Y aunque el mismo sufrimiento sea el consuelo, me tranquiliza saber que lo que he perdido no lo puedo perder dos veces. Luego lo pensé por aquellas personas que hubiera querido conocer y que ahora parece que los veo sólo a través de pixeles, y es la única forma que tengo para saber que no fueron producto de mi imaginación. Pero que igual, en ese imaginario y lejano mostrador de "hubieras" se encuentra intacta cierta inocencia en haber dejado unos puntos suspensivos por final. 

Determino mediocre que la misma premisa sea veneno y antídoto de una ausencia, todo ligado a un hubiera que me he condenado a buscar en otras personas, sin posibilidad de encontrarlo. Sólo pongo otro video de Jenna, y me olvido del asunto otro rato...

... and the Unicorns

At that time, our eyes were full of hope, and we clutched our hands eager to face our bright future. Now, we lay with blank expressions sitting side to side, longing for those emotions, now washed up and withered. It's not that we're growing old, I know old age is not a main factor for this total loss of hope. I know, not for other reason, except that when we're apart, I start feeling lively again.

I look at you and I know it's just a matter of time before we find someone who'll sweep us off our feet. But the inevitable question lingers; who will go first?

Do you find it mean? It's not said with that raging fire of madness, it's not even dyed in enough sadness to shed a tear. I get it, I feel it too, and if you were to gather the courage before me, it would be fine... It would be better that you left, than letting it linger way more than it should.

If you wonder did I ever love you, yes, I did. But I guess we're both a little tired of waiting for that person we know by now we're not going to be to each other.

Perhaps it's sad and most likely I'll keep with me a ton of your ways, since I've never been good with tangible souvenirs. And as I have so far, I'll remember you dearly when someone notices and praises them without knowing. That's how things go, and it's worse if you fight it... It hurts more than it already does.

Olvidarte

Ese lugar es mío, ese lugar entre tu hombro y tu pecho es más mío que tuyo. Siento la calidez de tu cuerpo concentrada en ese punto exacto donde recargo mi cabeza y te observo entre silencios y palabras. Ahí te confieso secretos y culpas, ahí comienzo a besar y morder tu cuello en súplicas veladas porque me dejes besar y morder todo tu cuerpo. Ese lugar lo gané a pulso, y no concibo que alguien más se lo haya merecido tanto como yo.

Ahora que nos observamos, jadeando, agotados y goteando sudor, me encanta saber que eres mío, tan mío que con sólo confesarte una fantasía te tenga salivando de nuevo.

Pero me gusta más saber que a pesar de tener mis huellas por todo tu cuerpo, eres libre de irte y yo soy libre de olvidarte.

Fade to Nothing

Explosions often start with a bang and consume themselves so fast, at the end there is nothing but silence and dark, where there once was chaos and light. So given our torrid and confusing affair it only felt right to end it in complete silence. No more tears or useless words by which instead of finding solace, we could dig up more excuses to procrastinate our imminent end.

I could blame you, and you could too, and perhaps we do it in secret seconds before our heads fall heavily into the pillow. The truth is there is no truth to be told, at least not one me or you would like to hear. We're better off this way; strangers. It might not be too painful, but even if it's a mere scratch, it needs to heal on its own. Am I sorry I left? Not this time, this time I had lingered way more than my feelings gave me fuel to.

So she was right, that's my way to leave too: "I don't love you anymore, goodbye."